What can I let go of?

 

There a lot in my life that I need to let go off. I a lot of my past that I hold way to tight and need to learn and let it go. How do you let it go though when you don't want to forget? A lot of what I hold on it are memories that I don't want to forget. I don't want forget the moments with my brother. The car rides, the drinking nights, or just sitting around BS. Or what about the time he told me he loved how I played the piano. That there was nothing better then sitting in the house listening to me play. Yep that's one memory I never want to forget.

My past is not all bright and sunshine my past is very dark and full of more pain that most people go though in there life. The pain I have felt over the 30 years of my life is more pain then most people every feel in their life time. The death of my brother just two weeks before I graduated high school. Yep that was the start of my darkest point in my life. To this dayI still remember the scream of my father, the sight of  my brother laying on the ground, or the way the rain hit my face as I stood outside in the drive way. The way the volunter for the ambluance company stood next to me and put her hand on my shoulder. She didn't tell me everything would be okay because she knew that wasn't the truth.

I went though the next few years in a daze no real meaning in life. A lot of sad times I couldn't move on from my brother death. Just though when I thought I was. I decided to go back to school. I decided that I wanted  fto be a nurse. That was when my life changed again. I got news that my mom was sick. She wouldn't tell me how sick at first. However I get it out of her. She was suffering from liver failure. Yep mom was sick she was my rock. I dropped out of school and rushed home to be with her.

Mom went down hill fast I moved back home in auguest by decemember she was spending more time in the hospital then home. I knew my mom  was going  down hill I didn't want to admit to it yet . Even when my father was admit to the hospital and they told me he wouldn't make it though. I did everything I could to get my mom to sit by his bedside. They couldn't transfer her though she was way to sick to be moved. So  instead I stood next to my father bedside with my little sister. Saying good bye to the man who wasn't suppose to be going yet.

I made a promise to my mom that I wouldn't bury him until she  came home. She never came home though. She never fault the battle. She lost the battle not soon after my father. I buried them next to my brother. The three of them up in heaven over looking me and my sister.

I wish I could say life was easy after that. Nope I end going though a lot more trails. A lot more hard times in my life. It those moment I need to learn to let go of. I need to learn how to let  go of all the hard times. They made me stronger and I need to us the strength that they gave me. I need to let go of the pain and hold on to the strength.

Survival

At this point I'm in survival mode I have one option and only one choice. Failure is not in my vocabulary as I go though. I have no choice but to figure this out and not only survivor it but to come out on top. To come out being the best that I can be. I will come out on top but in order to come out on top I need to work on a few things. I need to fix my life cause right now I'm in a fight for my life.

I sometime feel like I'm in a boxing ring and I'm getting my ass kicked. Each time I try to get up I get kicked back down, but I'm not taking this anymore this is my time and I will survive though this. I will come out on top with flying colors. I will win not only the match, but I will win the battle..

 

I need to start working on me though. I've been working out for thirty minutes a day, I've been reading
 ten pages a day of a book, and I've been reading the bible daily.Now though I need to take what I am reading and put it into effect of what I am doing with my life. I need to take each task and break it down.

So tomorrow I'm keeping track of my time. What I do with my time. what I should be doing with my time. I'm going to focus my time on fighting this battle in order to win the battle. Failure is not an choice I have to fight.

Getting back on track

So I'm not really sure what I'm going to write here. All I know is I am on this journey call life and I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting a grip. Everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, and the only place to go at the moment is up. I've started this journey at such a negative place, but thanks to people in my life I have turned this around.

My mom passed away back in 2006 and I found myself talking to her. I need a mom advice and that was the best I could come up with. Mom was a very religious person.   I remember talking to her when I was going though hard times and she would always tell me to us me to us my faith. After the death of her and my father though I loss my faith. I couldn't figure out why God would put me though so a trying task as to loss both my parents at such a young age. However though after one night of talking to my mom I woke up the next morning with a clarity to me. I started reading the bible, listening to music and talking to god again. It was in those moment that I started to feel like life was going to be okay.

I'm not sure where I'm going, or even how I'm going to get there. I do know though that I will put  my faith in god and my parents. I will figure this out. In all aspects of my life. I need to get my fitness back on track, I need to get personal life back on track, and I need to get my financially life back on track.  I have a goal for myself by this time next year I will be on track. Who's wife me? who want to get back on track with life?